Ditch these 3 words from your emails!

Below is a transcript of the video.

In today’s video, we are talking emails. And specifically three words you may well be using in your emails that are sending the wrong message. 

So what are these three words that you should avoid?

First up:

Appreciate

As in phrases like:

“I would appreciate it if you could return the document to me by 5pm.”

Or even

“I would greatly appreciate it.”

Or perhaps you might be tempted to use it in the passive form - as in:

“Your help with this matter would be highly appreciated.“

Hang on, what’s wrong with appreciate? Isn’t that a good word to use? Surely, it’s nice to show appreciation? 

Surely it’s super polite to express your gratitude to someone when you’re asking them to  do something for you.

Hmm. Well, maybe. But also when you’re writing in English, you have to be really, really careful about being over polite.

Because, counter-intuitively perhaps, over politeness can come across as being super rude. 

It can actually make you sound a little bit annoyed or sarcastic.

So the literal meaning of

“I would appreciate it if you could return the document to me by 5pm.”

is an expression of gratitude, but the connotations of such a sentence are quite different. 

It sounds like what you’re really saying could, potentially be:

“I’m rather angry that you’ve not returned the document before now.“

“I don’t really trust you to send it to me so I’m giving you a firm deadline and I will be extremely disappointed...nay, incandescent with rage, if you fail to send me the document by 5pm today.” 

OK, so that’s maybe a bit of an exaggeration, but using the word “appreciate” in an email can certainly run the risk of sounding a bit rude and not very happy.

I’ve done a whole blog post on this topic of how to ask for something politely but not over politely stroke rudely. 

I’ll pop a link to that post in the box below - so if you’re interested to learn more do head over to my blog to check that out.

Word number 2 to avoid in your emails:

Kindly

As in, for example:

“Could I kindly ask you to share the agenda for today’s meeting?”

Ugh! Here we have the same problem we had with appreciate.

The connotations of this sentence are:

“I’m annoyed you haven’t sent the agenda over yet and I can’t quite believe I’m having to chase you now. Please send it now.” 

So again, you’re probably thinking, hang on a minute, surely the writer is just being polite…

and expressing the sentiment that she thinks you the reader are being kind and generous to send the agenda over.

And maybe that’s what the literal interpretation of the words is. Maybe that is what she intended. But the feeling a reader might pick up on is actually the opposite. 

Like appreciate it just sounds so fakely over-polite to the point of actually being quite rude.

So, again, check out my blog post on the peculiarly English art of the polite command in the link below. 

But before then, our third and final word to avoid in an email.

This is one I get a lot from people whose first language isn’t English. And it’s quite sweet in a way, but it just feels slightly off kilter - not quite right. 

And that word is addressing me as:

Ma’am

Instead of Clare or Dr Lynch. 

Now, I know that whenever someone calls me ma’am in an email they are trying to be polite and respectful. 

And I really, really appreciate that.

But I also know that their first language isn’t English, because it just sounds a little bit odd. 

A little bit too polite and respectful. 

Not such that it sounds rude - like appreciate or kindly. 

But, I’ll be frank. It makes me feel like I’m 103.

Like you’re addressing me as some ancient elder stateswoman.

Specifically this lady, the Queen Mother. 

Now, I don’t know but maybe in other English speaking cultures, ma’am is used a lot - let me know in the comments below if it sounds fine to you.

But certainly to my ears, it sounds strange and fuddy-duddy.

So if you’re sending me an email, please indulge me in thinking I’ve still got a few years of youth left in me - and just stick with Clare or Dr Lynch.

So that’s three words I think you should avoid in your next email: appreciate, kindly and ma’am.

But what do you think?

Would you add anything to this list?

Do you agree that sounding over-polite can cause offence?

Do you come from a culture where verbal expressions of extreme politeness are considered necessary?

Or has this video made you rethink an email you may have recently sent or were about to send?

Let me know in the comments.

Mentioned video: How to master the peculiarly English art of the polite command

For more writing advice, enrol in my online course, Writing With Confidence, available at the Doris and Bertie Writing School.

Post cover image credit: Annie Spratt

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