You’re going to love this priceless bit of management consultancy-speak

This is what passes for “insight” at “the trusted advisor to the world’s leading businesses, governments, 
and institutions”:

Becoming a company that delivers customer-journey excellence requires many things to be done well. But we’ve found that there are three priorities. First, take a journey-based approach. For companies wanting to improve the customer experience as a means of increasing revenue and reducing costs, executing on customer journeys leads to the best outcomes. We found that a company’s performance on journeys is 35 percent more predictive of customer satisfaction and 32 percent more predictive of customer churn than performance on individual touchpoints. Since a customer journey often touches different parts of the organization, companies need to rewire themselves to create teams that are responsible for the end-to-end customer journey across functions. While we know there are an infinite number of journeys, there are generally three to five that matter most to the customer and the business—start your improvements there. To track progress, effectiveness, and predict opportunities, you may need to retool both metrics and analytics to report on journeys, not just touchpoint insights.

It’s what we at Doris and Bertie call “strategic bollocks”: the kind of pseudo/sub-academic circular nonsense you suspect is saying something very simple if only you could work out what it was. Here’s my bash at an interpretation:

Want to boost your profits? Then make sure your customers are happy at every stage of their involvement with your firm. Put employees in charge of making sure this happens. And gather data on how happy your customers are generally. That’s it.

I have to admit, my version isn’t quite as hilarious as the original. What with its somewhat alarming assertion that “executing on customer journeys leads to the best outcomes” (single out the moaners for better results in the next customer satisfaction survey?).

Not to mention all that talk of “customer churn” (travel-sickness while on a customer journey?), the rather suggestive reference to “individual touchpoints”, the mangled syntax of phrases like “retool both metrics and analytics”, and the metaphysical, if numerically inaccurate, allusions to “an infinite number of journeys”.

Perhaps that’s why “the trusted advisor to the world’s leading businesses, governments, 
and institutions” can charge such hefty sums for its expertise.

3 Responses to “You’re going to love this priceless bit of management consultancy-speak”

  1. Nigel Bamford says:

    Oh, I was enjoying my reading journey so much I wanted to know what the other 2 priorities were. They must be equally entertaining.

  2. Dunstan says:

    “If a customer gets passed from department to department, give her a case worker to hold her hand.”

  3. Paul Eveleigh says:

    Where would trusting this advisor lead you? Bankruptcy.

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