Archive for the ‘How not to write’ Category

Targeted to mislead?

Thursday, March 7th, 2013

Last week, the Investment Management Association (IMA) announced it was renaming a particular type of investment.

From now on, says the trade association for investment managers, the “Absolute Returns Sector” will be known as the “Targeted Absolute Returns Sector”.

The reason for the rename? With rumblings of another mis-selling scandal in the works, the IMA wanted to make it absolutely clear that if you put your money in these investments, you might lose some of your dosh.

In what sensible person’s head does “Targeted Absolute Returns Sector” say “you might lose some of your dosh”? (more…)

“Advise”, “revert” and the importance of empathy

Wednesday, February 20th, 2013

We regularly get people coming to this blog who have searched for the phrase “advise and revert”. Invariably, these visitors are from Asian countries where English is not the first language.

I suspect an Anglophone colleague has utterly befuddled such readers by sending them an email promising to “advise and revert” or asking them to “please advise and revert”. (more…)

Are jargon-weary investors ditching Apple?

Thursday, January 24th, 2013

Despite announcing record sales, Apple experienced a 10% fall in its share price yesterday. Investors, it’s been claimed, are out of love with Apple.

Is it any wonder, when the firm’s investor relations homepage contains this sort of impenetrable gunk: (more…)

Guest post: LG’s smart advertising

Tuesday, December 18th, 2012

Today, we have a guest post by copywriter Phil Williams. Thanks for bringing this dreadful bit of ad copy to our attention, Phil! (more…)

How self-important corp-speak could lose you sales

Monday, December 10th, 2012

We spotted this van outside a building site across the road from Doris and Bertie towers:

Fluid transfer solutions?

It could mean anything, couldn’t it? (more…)

Don’t use that tone of voice with me!

Friday, November 30th, 2012

On finishing a delicious Doris and Bertie power lunch from itsu yesterday, I was confronted with this image…

…and this one…

…and this one…

They’re what Naomi Wolf once described as “beauty porn”: pictures of women, aimed at women. And designed to make us all feel rubbish about our wobbly bits.

What made them all the more alarming was that they were accompanied by this nauseating bit of baby speak:

Like the pics, the infantilised tone of voice seems primarily aimed at the body-conscious woman. Whoever wrote it must be the only person on the planet who hasn’t noticed that Innocent-style “wackaging” is deeply annoying and the subject of mainstream ridicule.

Let’s take a closer look at what’s going on here. (more…)

Who wrote this pompously ponderous prose?

Monday, November 19th, 2012

If you can bear to, take a look at the following paragraph. It’s from a PhD submitted to the University of Cambridge in 2000. (more…)

Windows 8: how not to sell it to me

Monday, November 12th, 2012

The autumn 2012 issue of British Telecom’s TechKnow plopped through my letter box yesterday.

The allusion in the publication’s title to what Wikipedia tells me is “repetitive instrumental music produced for use in a continuous DJ set” had me cringing rather than keyed up.

But ignoring my suspicions that TechKnow was the brainchild of some David Brent type* trying to be down with da kidz, I was lured in.

Who, after all, could ignore the attractions of a publication billing itself as “your indispensible guide to the latest technology for your business”?

Anyway, my indispensible guide to the latest technology for my business contains a five-page feature on Microsoft’s new thingy, Windows 8. Here’s a typical extract: (more…)

Discover the ultimate cliché experience!

Tuesday, October 30th, 2012

The copywriter entrusted with this ad from Bombay Sapphire clearly wasn’t feeling “infused with imagination” on the day she dredged up from her psyche this sorry piece of work. (more…)

Here’s what’s wrong with internal comms – and the simple thing you can do about it

Wednesday, October 17th, 2012

When I worked in the internal comms team of a large bank, here’s what you’d typically find on our intranet:

1. Shout-outs about big deals the firm had successfully closed. All thanks, of course, to global teamwork, creative thinking and an unrelenting passion for doing right by the client.

2. Q&As with senior management revealing their grand visions for the firm, each presented in the manner of a great journalistic scoop. Said visions invariably involved more global teamwork, creative thinking and unrelenting passion for doing right by the client.

3. Heart-warming tales of employees volunteering in their local communities. Stories that proved we didn’t, after all, work for the devil. Because teamwork, creative thinking and unrelenting passion for doing the right thing can make the world a better place, you know.

But every summer we had a problem. The markets slept. Tumbleweed bestrew the streets of London, Hong Kong and New York. The whole firm, it seemed, was in the Maldives. No doubt sloughing off the stress of maintaining for an entire year all that global teamwork, creative thinking and unrelenting passion for doing right by the client.

Story leads died in the face of unanswered phone calls and out-of-office replies. Meanwhile, the three-week-old tale of deal making, strategising or selfless community service (inspired by teamwork, creative thinking and unrelenting passion) was looking distinctly stale.

We needed something fresh for what readers we had. The ones, presumably, whose bonus didn’t stretch to a fortnight in the Maldives.

So every summer, we were forced to dig out the same failsafe article to make it look like someone was, you know, actually still here. A little embarrassed, we’d rerun the one piece of the year that was devoid of global teamwork, creative thinking and unrelenting passion.

This article’s title? How to use templates in Word.

And you know what? Overwhelmingly, it got more clicks than any other article we’d published all year.

Now, perhaps that tells you something about the kind of employees whose bonus doesn’t stretch to a fortnight in the Maldives.

Or perhaps it tells you something else. Perhaps it tells you that you can bombard people with all the blather in the world about global teamwork, creative thinking and an unrelenting passion for doing right by the client.

But what employees really want isn’t a load of key messages. Like all readers, they just want insanely useful stuff.

So if you’re in internal comms, consider this: your job isn’t to “engage” (whatever that means anyway).

Your job isn’t to “align and embed business strategy” (no, we don’t really know what that entails either).

Your job isn’t, rather ambitiously, to build an army of brand ambassadors who’ll freak out their friends with their cultish devotion to the firm (yuck).

Your job is simply this: help people do their jobs better.

Do that, and the other stuff will come.