Archive for the Bad copy, bad science Category

Wanted: Senior Solutions Designer

Monday, April 19th, 2010

So I’m thinking I might have to launch a separate blog entirely devoted to “solutions”. Thanks to the reader who forwarded me this hilariously vague job advert, which I hereby add to my ever-growing pile of “solutions” submissions.

Senior Solutions Designer, City of London – London City and West End, London

My client is currently recruiting for a Senior Solutions Designer. This is a senior position in the Solution Design team, working closely with external clients and all internal teams. Key requirements: Key to this role is the ability to quickly understand, analyse and document business and user needs across industries and functions. Applying your experience and attention to detail, you will be required to design innovative user centric solutions to these problems, working closely with internal application development teams in an agile environment. You will be able to demonstrate an in-depth knowledge of Microsoft based Web 2.0, SOA and OLAP technologies in large scale deployments.

The last line makes me think it’s something a bit computery, but I’m still not sure what the person they hope to employ will be expected to do. Are they looking for a chemist? A mathematician? A professional cruciverbalist? What do you think?

Keep your turnkey away from my touch points!

Monday, April 12th, 2010

A reader forwarded the following copy to me, hoping I could explain to him what the company responsible for it actually did. They lost me at “turnkey” – can anyone else help?

Your Turnkey Source For Highly Customized Internet Marketing Solutions

Plug into a proven source of interactive success through xxxxx, your dedicated partner on the Web. Rely on us to provide a full spectrum of Internet marketing solutions, precisely engineered to meet your needs. At xxxxx, we treat each and every phase of your interactive marketing program as a meticulous science – leveraging the latest technology, resource tools, and consumer trends to maximize your return on investment. Because the success of our clients is so pivotal to our own continued growth and vitality, we strive to deliver the highest level of service at every touch point.

Whatever they do, I think I’ll pass on the invitation to be part of their continued growth and vitality. Because impressed as I am with their meticulously scientific, precisely engineered, full-spectrum, solution-filled, resource-tooled and highly leveraged approach, I’m quite choosy about who I let near my touch points.

Words that should be banned: hydration

Thursday, July 9th, 2009

img_2165One of the downsides of living in a western industrialised nation is that you’re constantly being bombarded with mendacious marketing messages by charlatans trying to sell you something that’s free, abundant and available on tap – literally.

The chief way they do it is to suggest that bottled water offers health benefits that mere tap water can’t offer. I guess it makes us all feel a little less squeamish about paying for something we’re given for free when people across whole swathes of the planet are dying of thirst every day. (more…)

Eight out of ten theoretical physicists prefer it!

Friday, May 1st, 2009

Launching a new series of posts on bad copy inspired by bad science, I hereby present to you the first ever dental hygiene product to harness the power of string theory. (more…)